Does anyone else ever wish their depression was worse when it isn't as bad as it usually is? I want to feel worse than i do which make me feel a bit worse but not enough. What is this?

I theorize that this is a identity issue. You view it as part of your identity to be depressed, so you are uncomfortable when you are not because you feel good about yourself being a depressed person. You might ask, why would someone pride themselves in being depressed? Priding yourself in a trait, the trait isn't always something that is seen by everyone as "good." When people do value a trait in themselves that isn't seen by everyone as inherently good, they tend to link it to one that the culture does value. For example, someone could value being cold-hearted, because they consider it to be linked with being unemotional and logical, and being logical has been taught to them by the culture as being good. People tend to value depression because it is linked to having a hard time or "been through a lot," and it seems that there's nothing this culture honors more than being a victim.