This is really sad bringing it up but I need help :( I haven't told anybody about my past relationship before. I'm facing a depression over a depression and I feel like my heart is in pieces. Like this is beyond a normal heartbreak I've had before. When I first came to my first high school in CA around the end of the Freshman year, I met my first boyfriend...he was so nice to me on my first day and he was my first friend...he introduced me to everyone and made me feel like I belonged there. Then I fell in love to him and he was my ever first boyfriend whom I would do everything for...then after 2 months in a relationship his family decided to move to the east coast and I was really sad...we said good bye and I remember what he said exactly "I will always love you and I promise I will come back to be with you." and he left with his family. I was really sad when he didn't contact me at all for 5 months straight so I thought he had moved on...Later I found out that he had passed away because of a drunk driver crashed into him on his first day there...I was devastated...SO DEVASTATED...It's my fault for letting him go...I should have convinced him too stay...I was really sad I blocked my memory and completely forgotten about him because it would tear me apart to think about him even imagining his smile or his kindness...I lived my fake life for 4 years then a boy showed up and I saw his face...then suddenly all my memory returned and I was in shock on how he looked exactly the same and I was so happy I thought he came back...and he was as nice as my first love...I knew I couldn't let him go this time...then after talking to each other for awhile, he asked me out...and without any doubt I accepted his love and I was so grateful I was really happy that I had my second chance. After Halloween time, he asked me to go things online and I said I was comfortable doing it, but his face convinced me and made me changed my mind and do it but I just couldn't get myself to do it and I kept asking for more time to the point he said that I'm wasting his time and I just won't do what he told me to do...he said he was done with me...I was broken...afraid of losing again, i asked for a second chance...and I told him about why I wanted to be with him and about my past. He listened to me and he apologized and told me he loved me...that lifted mountains out of my chest but my feelings were still damaged...and I was crying to the point I felt like my heart would stop and I asked him to talk to me but he said he was sleepy...so I said it was okay...I'll be fine. Truthfully, that really hurt me more and I stayed up all day being afraid of passing away in my sleep and night and I lost my appetite for several days...I had to call my friends for help and in no time, my friends showed up at my house at 3 in the morning and stayed with me and helped me through the night and after I calmed down a bit I said I would be fine and they should go get a rest...they insisted to stay but being who I am, I didn't want to bother anyone...so i promised them I would be fine and they left for their morning classes...then 4 hours later, he texted me after he woke up and ask how I was doing...I told him that I haven't slept nor eaten anything for several day and I said how it is traumatizing how I was hurt by the person I loved (twice) and he asked me what I was talking about? That text put me in shock to the point I lost my emotions and tears. And he said he has to go prepare for a Halloween party and I told him sarcastically, okay have fun at your Halloween party and I told him I am not even gonna do anything since I'm broken mentally and physically. Out of nowhere....This was not expected at all, he said "okay have fun :) you should go see a doctor" quote on quote...this text got stuck in my head and completely hollowed out my last bit of emotion and I blindly reply...thanks I'll be fine. You go have fun at the party. I'm not gonna do anything. THEN HE SAID BYE....i sat at the same spot in my backyard staring in space who knows how long...until he texted me back saying that "now I'm lonely" that really set my sick and broken self off....he called me and I said I can't do this anymore...he had hurt me way to much and this hurt me million more times than a single heartbreak...I was hurt by my love who I swore to be with and would never let him go no matter what...but the pain was too much all the pain from the past came back to slap me in the face and the person who looks like my first love doesnt care a single bit about the depressed and destroyed me but cares more about his party...and I restated all the things I've gone through and what I was going through that moment...and he told me to calm down and told me that I was over reacting....even writing this experience right now hurts me...then I was so mad and sad, I told him about how he treated me so badly and he didnt care about my feelings and how I put up a smile whenever he hurt me and tolerated with his actions no matter how bad it was so I could still be with him. I let it all out and he said that he was slow on catching up and told me he didnt know what I was talking about...then again he said he had to go to his friend's house...JUST LIKE ON HALLOWEEN when I cancelled all my plans to hangout and didnt go to any of my classes due to the state i was in, he said that he'll call me later and I squeezed the last drop of my tears and said "my throat hurts so bad since 2 days ago and now I am screaming on the top of my lungs to tell you what you're doing to me and I won't be able to talk anytime soon cus my throat's probably gonna collapse. " the most selfish thing a lover could say to another who is going through hell is "I'll talk to you later when you can call." I didn't expect that at all...again I was in a shock but this time is so bad...I carried myself to my room, limping all the way, and I laid down on my bed and I lost all my hopes and emotions and my strength...My heart started to feel like it was taken out of my body and is being squeezed and pierced by needles and I couldn't call for help at all...not even my family...I just laid there accepting that that was it...my heart slowed down and it was difficult to breath...i remembered that feeling, the feeling when I found out my first lover was gone forever so I accepted that it was my time to let myself go, I've always been nice to others and everybody before myself and would easily take bullets for my lover and go through flames to get to him, and I always get treated like crap no matter how nice I was...so I just laid there waiting for my death. I did give up on my pitiful life then I saw a shadow that I thought was death who's here to take me away (this might sound ridiculous and completely BS to you guys, I won't expect anybody to believe anything)...but that shadow came to me and I feel the warmth and my heart calmed down by a lot and I looked out my blurry eyes and saw a figure and I regained a part of my strength and crawled to the bathroom then cough and vomited and sat there for 10 minutes feeling like a people with a deadly disease...then I got up to go wash my face and in the mirror I thought I saw him saying goodbye...It might be only me imagining things and at the time I believe that he is ready to move on...so I said to myself, "Rest In Peace, I would never stop loving you." Then he disappeared and then I rested and tried to recover as much as possible to do the hardest thing I would ever do in my life. I waited and waited and my bf texted me....so I told him how I was sorry for what happened and gently tell him about what was going on for me and how I felt over the past several days...I reminded him of all the great time he gave me and how he had brought hope back in to my life...but I also told him how much he had hurt me by his actions and words, and the care and security he had not provided for me...then I told him that we would still be friends but I was beyond hurt and my heart couldn't take anymore pain...and I told him thanks for everything and all the joy he'd given me and "It's not you, it's me...I want to go separate ways...I need to be alone and do self-healing for a long time." I was not sad nor mad when I said those...I was kinda at ease and relieved that finally opened up and expressed my feelings...then he said that I really hurt him by breaking up with him and he would never talk to me ever again...I talked to him about why that was happening and I didn't want to hurt anyone...more like I can't because I know what it feels like. He said he hated me and told me this would be the last time I would ever hear from him...then he stopped talking to me. The sadness came back but my family came over and let me cry it all out again and I told them everything from what happened since the death of my lover (and forever would be) and how I just broke up with the person who I thought would be with me forever...there was one point I was ready to throw everything away and move in with him to make him happy when times were tough...and I also told them that I'm going crazy because I saw him in the mirrors when things were going bad...I asked them to find me a therapist and psychologist and whatever could help me...then my family said the thing that made me feel better in an instant...they said that they also noticed a presence ever since I moved in to this house...every time they come over they would notice something and all my friends and guests assured that claim too...They told me someone was there to protect me when I was alone for quite awhile even when I was living at my old house with my family...the presence was there, perhaps my guardian angel. Then I realized of how I was able to get out of the situations I've been in...I was certain that he passed away and came back to be with me and protect me like he'd promise. He cared for me even after he died a tragic accident...and now I know that he was able to move on...that really healed me and encouraged me to live on for him. In his stead. It might sound really weird to you guys and I know that people will think that I'm delusional and seeing things that didn't happen, I apologize for that and I'm sorry If anything what I've said had offended you in anyway...I want you to know that I have no intention to hurt anyone...but even though I felt at ease like I've never felt before... I still have the fear of getting hurt and I'm afraid open up to love again...whenever I think about what I've been through I aches my heart and I rejected all the new loves...I feel like I'm still holding on to something and I just can't seem to open up my heart to anybody else since It was smashed and ground in to dust...Would I get over it anytime soon? I don't want to live in denial anymore...I want to move on knowing that he moved on already but I don't know what to do now...should I get anti depressant or should I just let it heal over time? I don't know what to do now...should I move back in with my family or find someone who can give me comfort and protection? I don't know if I have still have depression or not? I'm ready to go forward but I just don't know the next step...I would feel so much of a burden if I ask my family and friends for more help...this girl is really hopeless and doesn't even know how to move on :( all the symptoms are slowly coming back and I know that it is really unhealthy...losing 20 pounds doing nothing...what should I do now?
